"It's sad."  That's the only way I can describe it.  The signs were there years ago that Ev's memory was failing; for over a decade now we have watched as Janice's mom has declined in her ability to remember, to function independently and take care of herself.  For the most part she has seemed content, sometimes remembering who we are, sometimes her face will light up, a smile will break through the dark cloud that often surrounds her; but sometimes she does not even recognize Janice.  (It's different for me, she calls every male she sees 'Ken Clarke'!)  Sometimes the music of her faith will comfort her; sometimes she is more distant, more agitated and this once gentle, gracious lady can get a bit 'cranky'. 

How else can you describe such as journey other than 'sad'?

As we drove away on a recent visit, the conversation led to a question I have asked before in the quietness of my own heart, 'why'?  Why does God allow one of His children to walk this path, why doesn't He just call her home?  My theology and my heart try to convince me that God is still at work in Ev's life and that through her He may yet be accomplishing HIs purposes in the life of another, but I have to admit, convincing myself of these truths, even though part of me knows it to be true, is not easy; at times is all seems so senseless.

As I've wrestled this through in recent days, my good and gracious God has provided a measure of peace in quietly whispering, 'Ken, if you could just see this through My eyes'.  Of course, He is right; as we see through God's eyes things always look different!  

In the eyes of God, Ev is still the gentle and gracious lady she has always been; her outward appearance and demeanour may have changed for us but God still sees her in all of her beauty and grace, just the way He created her, and she is still a child of His grace, redeemed and loved by the Lord Jesus.  In God's eyes, she is still... fearfully and wonderfully made.; She is still with us because...all the days ordained for (her) were written in (His) book before one of them came to be.  (Psalm 139:14,16)

In Genesis 16, as Hagar is seeking to flee from Sarah, she encounters and angel of God and receives a message from God.  It becomes for Hagar a defining moment in which she confesses, 'You are the God who sees me' (13).  As I watch Ev's descent, as I watch other friends walk a similar path, I need to be reminded He is the God sees and cares.

There is a story recorded for us in the seventh chapter of the Gospel of Luke, in which...one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, he went to the Pharisee’s house and reclined at the table. A woman in that town who lived a sinful life learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee’s house, so she came there with an alabaster jar of perfume. As she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.  (36-38)  Simon and his guests are troubled because Jesus has allowed a 'sinful woman' to touch him.  Jesus in using this as a teachable moment turns to Simon and says, Do you see this woman? (44)  Simon, do you really see her?  Do you see her as I see her? 

If we could just see through God's eyes, our whole perspective changes.

As long as I have know Ev, she has been a woman of quiet, confident faith and while it is hard at times to watch as her mind and life slip away, I need to be reminded...the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love.  (Psalm 33:18)  He has not failed Ev and He will not fail her in the days ahead; she has been, is and always will be His beautiful and gracious child.  Though I sometimes struggle to make sense of it all, I can yet hold to the promise of God:  The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.  (Psalm 34:7)

And so...We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield.  In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name.  May your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in you.  (Psalm 33:20-22)

It happened again just recently; it's happening more frequently!  While away a server casually mentioned, "we have a senior's discount".  I usually have my line ready, "don't let the grey hair fool you" or "define 'senior'".  I'm learning, if they want to give me a discount for being grey / older -- just accept it!

This little episode made me think about the many ways I have been addressed over the years; the labels we use to categorize one another.  When a child is born, we speak about him or her as an infant, as they grow we refer to them as toddlers, then children, adolescents / teens, young adults, adults, parents, seniors and grandparents. 

My parents named me 'Kenneth Murray' after my grandfathers. My great aunt called me 'Kenny'; she's the only one who could do that!  My older sister called me a brat; I've been called worse!  On the first day of High School, while reading of the list of students in his class, my gym teacher, read 'Clarke, Ken' and immediately called me 'Superman'; not very original, but a nickname that stuck with me through my High School years.  My manager at Dominion Stores called me 'KC' and my teammates called me 'Clarkey'.  For the past 30+ years I have been called 'Pastor' or 'Pastor Ken' and more recently I've been getting more 'Sir' or 'Mr. Clarke'; that's when you know you're getting older!

Of all the ways I've been addressed there is one name that is most meaningful to me, 'Dad'.  One of the greatest joys in my life is to be the father of Lisa, Scott and Andrea, to share life together with them.  Our journey has changed through the ages but the somewhat irrational and powerful bond that started the day I held each of them in my arms continues to grow stronger with the passing of the years.

I think of the concerts, the hockey and volleyball games and school events we attended to watch one of our kids, the times I would pick them up and surprise them by taking them out to lunch, the walks along the beach, the countless number of papers I have edited over the years and the phone calls and text messages that continue to keep us connected.  I think of times I have simply listened or challenged their thinking or offered words of encouragement and the many times we have prayed for our children.  I think of the 'big events' we have shared but also the more ordinary, everyday times that are perhaps more meaningful. 

Last year, on her wedding day, Andrea gave to me a card and note that I have cherished.  I asked her if I could share just a few sentences from it and so I have her permission to share the following words; words that capture how blessed I am to be called 'Dad'.

Saying thank you will never be enough to express how thankful I am to have you as my father.  You have always been a strong, guiding presence throughout my life.  A father's unconditional love is truly a blessing.  I am so glad God has blessed me with a wonderful childhood and two loving parents.  Dad, you have always been there for me no matter what...you have made me a better person.  I carry a bit of your stubbornness but also your incredible strength and intelligence.  You have taught me everything from finances to living a life of faith...thank you, dad for being my teacher and mentor...you have given me a strong foundation to live my life.  You have always pushed me to finish what I start and be the best I can be.  Thank you Dad!

I don't know if there are any other words more encouraging...thank you Dad. 

As I think of my on-going role as a dad and what it is I want my life to be about in the time that I have left on this planet, I cycle back to one of my stated purposes for this season of my life; to bless those closest to me. 
To paraphrase the words of Genesis 48:15-16, where Jacob blessed Joseph and his sons, May the God... who has been my shepherd all my life to this day, bless my firstborn daughter, Lisa, my only son, Scott and my youngest daughter, Andrea.  Dads, may we find great joy as we seek to be a blessing to our families all the days of our life.

As I reflect on all this, I am reminded again that I have a heavenly Father who cares for me.  I may not always get it right as a dad, but there is One who is always caring and ever faithful, ready and willing to respond to me as His child.  If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!  (Matthew 7:11)