Twenty-eight years later I came to the end of myself. I wasn't good, for no man is good. I felt desperate for my life was falling apart. I had reached the apex of my career, education degree and acting principal at my school but my marriage was falling apart, Divorce loomed on the horizon and that was something I just couldn't face. I was attending a self -help group that told us we should pray to the God of our understanding. I would cry out, "But God, I Don't understand you!' I had a friend who prayed me into the kingdom. No matter what excuse or protest I used she would counter with love and grace. When I told her I couldn't be a Christian because I couldn't even quit smoking she would just laugh and say, when we get to Heaven Jesus will just call out, “Smokers over here!”
Actually I felt like an Essau who had sold his birthright for a bowl of stew only I had rejected my salvation in the pursuit of pleasure. My guilt separated me from peace with God and I wondered if I could be forgiven for despising the precious gift of life. I had no excuse for I knew the truth and had rejected his love. The journey back took about a year of seeking, praying, reading and relearning the love and grace of God through friends who lived out their faith before me.
Finally on Easter morning at 2:00 a.m. in 1980 I surrendered myself to the Father. I was empty of self, no answers or solutions and I was right where God wanted so He could begin my restoration. “I can’t be a Christian but if you want me anyway I’m yours!” You’ve heard the expression Heaven came down and glory filled my soul…I experienced the awesome presence of Almighty God that changed me in an instant to a totally forgiven, rejuvenated child of the King.
I was loved, accepted and made new without any requirement put on me to change or do. I couldn’t be a Christian but by God’s Grace I was!
When I became aware of my surroundings again I looked across the room where Ken was reading a book, totally unaware of the earth-shaking happening that I had just experienced. I looked at my soon-to-be-divorced husband and with child-like honesty I asked God, “What do I do with that thing in my life?”
The answer came with startling clarity. The light was shining over Ken’s shoulder and the side in the light was all the things that I loved and had attracted me; I was to thank God for them. The side of him in the darkness, those things I hated and feared where none of my business…let God deal with it. Yes! I could do that. The simplicity of being thankful or conversely reminding myself it was none of my business, if I would obey God in this He would heal my marriage!
Thus I received my first promise from God which He faithfully carried out in response to my obedience of thanking him or giving the moment over to him. It’s been 36 years since that experience and our marriage is rich in love. We owe it all to Him who receives us in our weakness where His strength is made perfect. I discovered that my relationship was not a matter of keeping to the rules and regulations that man requires but was walking in obedience and in step with the King of Kings. That early Easter morning I knelt down by Ken and asked forgiveness for the times I had wounded him and assured him that all things were changing I just didn’t know how.